a long comment

i responded to one of ethan's blogs, and it was so dang long, and ive been thinking about this anyway, so i just thought i'd copy it and put it somewhere...this is where i decided...if you want more context, you can read ethan's post first :)

suffice it to say i know exactly how you feel. feel. get it? i am similar to you in the way that i always think i need to be feeling something, i always ask to be more strongly sensitive of feelings, to be more passionate.
i asked for that for a long time. i know christians talk a lot about how we only seem to seek God when things are going badly, when we're at our last straw...as opposed to when things are going well.
i suppose you could say i did this a few years ago (and still do it now, that doesn't change completely) but i felt that i was always seeking God, but, darnit, he just wasn't showing up at my doorstep everyday.
I don't say this to scare you, but for me, during that time, God hit me with some pretty tough trials, as i would call them, or just difficult life things to deal with, and although it was one of the hardest times of my life, i felt him the strongest...like i asked him...as if he said, ok, but first you're going to have to give up these securities you're holding on to...
anyway, i never forget that, and after that, i think God showed me that he was always there, i was just looking to hard, if that makes sense. It's so easy to want to feel all the time, and to a certain degree you can, but the wind blows harder at some times than at others. sometimes it knocks us down, sometimes it's cold, sometimes you don't feel it, but the wind is just the air moving. air is always moving but we can't be angry if it doesn't always give us goosebumps.
i think one of the main problems with humans is the way we perceive expectations. My mom told about a sermon she heard about the way we turn verbs into nouns...like expectation...think of it as "to expect" To expect something is:
to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the coming of; to look for with reason or justification;
it's an anticipation, because we don't know what it's going to be like...if we already have "expectations" that means we have already decided what we think should and will happen, and the way it should play out, etc...and if it doesn't happen this way, we get pissed. this is a huge problem in marriage as well...
if we change our idea of expectation to mean we expect, or look forward to, what God has for us,....we aren't as easily disappointed. we look forward with reason, but not with an already bitter, doubtful attitude.
just something to think about. but know that most people feel this way, and everyone goes through tough times. we all love you and are here for you. thanks for reminding us how important being aware of God is.
sorry this is so long! :)