Weighty Thoughts

There are thoughts
That will never make the voyage to my tongue.

There are thoughts
That will never bare phonetic children.

There are thoughts
Trapped in the dungeon of my mind.

Thoughts that are not at home where they lay.
Thoughts that are rusted and faulty.
Thoughts that are not familiar.
That do no trust their maker,
That are not honest with their creator,
That do not understand their place,
That do not even understand themselves.

There are thoughts
that weigh deeply
and deeply wait
patiently not to be.

Making an Office-Before

So, Ben and I wanted to make our 3rd room an office, with desks that our knees could actually fit under, and club chairs that weren't clearly from the heart of the 90's.

We started this in January, I think? So, it's been a long, slow process. We are still not quite finished, but I'm pretty proud of our progress.

I decided to reupholster the chairs my parents gave me. That turned out to be way more involved than I thought, but I'm going to be freaking proud as all get out when I'm finished.
I couldn't have done any of this with out Ben, who made our desks and shelves, and Amanda and Aly, who are helping me redue the chairs and decorate.
Amanda and Aly are just insanely talented at thrifting, redoing, remaking and everything in between and around!

I'll be posting after pictures, and pictures of the chairs in progress, but for now, the pictures are mostly before.



Trying different colors for the wall.

Not sure why I didn't move the 80 blankets and other junk out of the way to take pictures, but it will make for even better "after" pictures.

The Chairs:

Making cushion covers was pretty tedious. The second one fit better, for sure.

I didn't get a good picture of the ottoman before, but it looked just like the chairs, so.

From Seedlings to Leaflings

When I was younger, my mom would plant flowers every spring.
She would lay mulch, buy flowers, plant them, water them, and tend to them.
She would always ask if I wanted to help (or tell me to help). But, 90% of the time, I would say, "Nooooo, thank you!" and watch TV instead.
Wow, what a perfect little city kid!

I do wish I helped my mom more, not only because I would have actually learned something besides the way Danny cleans his vacuum cleaner with a portable vacuum cleaner and how Uncle Jesse does his hair, but because planting is such a wonderful experience. And it's wonderful to do this with another person.

I've really enjoyed planting from seed with my husband, and then eagerly waiting to see that first little bit of green peak up through the soil. It's incredibly satisfying and keeps me in awe of the Creator.

I started taking pictures of what we've planted, so I can remember the growth that happens.
Hopefully I'll keep it up, tracking the new life in my yard as well as in my spirit.

Mustard Greens, Rhubarb Chard, Multicolored Chard.

Endive, Tatsoi Greens, Asian Greens, after a few days.

Endive, Tatsoi Greens, Asian Greens, after a week or so.

Squash grows ridiculously quickly. Watermelon, Cayenne Pepper, Broccoli, Summer Squash.

Cilantro didn't do well last year, but when we were raking this little bed to prepare to plant, there was a cilantro plant completely under the soil that survived all winter!? (it's the plant in the background of the picture).

This is sage we grew from seed last summer.

Dramatic/Emo

Here's another one I found in my sketchbook from November, 2006. I can't believe how fast time has gone by. It's great/funny/weird to see this stuff now...to revisit it. Thank God for words and the fact that there are an endless possibility of them.


And then I passed my former self, traveling in a portal on a highway of dreams from one-sided, three-way mirrors to monotonic tears of broken glass. I smiled and waved at myself as I swerved into a ditch and centripetally flung myself into a petri-dish in which I grew mold faster than the bread that was broken to save my life.
I turned down my music but didn't stop for myself because the wind had too much of a bite for hanging around to help.
The north wind curled its fingers around my bumper and coaxed me to pedal the metal and high tail it home.
Some people blame it on their arrogant ancestors, slaying their brothers for an acre of soil and a cup of tea. But I like to blame it on Cain, because I was his hand in the tall grass as eyes pierced with disbelief ricocheted right off my heart like an arrowhead from a steel breastplate.

Old

Something I wrote in my sketchbook about 5 years ago and recently rediscovered:

A time will come when I won't remember day to day occurrences; when details vivid to me now will dissipate in the wind like the leaves in this season; when all the things I cry about now, I will laugh about in the future; when all things so grave in my mind will seem like petty child's play and all that will be left will be a block of time in which I will say, "When I was your age..." but only remember patterns of change and random times of extreme joy, absurd pain, or seemingly unimportant seconds.

that cloud

It seems to me lately
A cloud, cruel, innately
Has taken up residence in my head.

It's calm and collected,
Its mission perfected:
To make me ever aware of its homestead.

Its belly darkens grayer,
Releases rains heavy and heavier;
Cats and dogs don't do it justice.

'You don't belong here!' I tell it,
'There's only room for one zealot!'
So it dormant lies for a solstice.

But it snidely reminds me
It'll be back for afternoon tea
And perhaps stay for a midnight storm.

I declare, 'We won't let you win!
With your dark eyes and puffy chin,
And your cleverly placed last words!'

New Years Resolution

I ended up making a New Years resolution, which I thought of for all of one minute.

The new years party at our house found people asking each other about resolutions, and I concreted mine by mentioning my idea to at least 10 people at once. No turning back now!

What's interesting is that what started out as a briefly entertained idea is now taking new shape and meaning for my life.

The resolution is: I will not buy any article of clothing for a whole year.

And there are 2 reactions I can imagine from the people I know:

1. (From someone who only buys clothes when the ones they're wearing are falling apart, and they therefore literally NEED to buy a pair of pants or a shirt, or they don't care about trends, or they get no joy in buying something new when they're feeling down):
"Really? That's going to be hard? Wow, okay. . . whatever, good for you! (you trendy, needy spoiled girl).

2. (From people in the middle who enjoy buying new clothes every once in a while, are not obsessed with trends, but like to be somewhat fashionable, like to look cute, and get bored with many of their clothes after about half a year):
"That's awesome! Good for you! That will be challenging, but it will be good to learn self-control."

(Number 2 is the only reaction I've gotten, but anyway. . . )

All this to say that my reasons for doing this have morphed a little, and I'm feeling more excited about what it means.

2 things really affirmed my idea and expanded it's scope:

1. An article my friend, Jess posted on my Facebook wall after I told her:
http://www.burnsidewriterscollective.com/social/2007/05/no_clothes_for_a_year.php
From which I decided on these constituents:
-I will not buy anything I can wear on my body, including shoes, socks, underwear, scarves, mittens, sunglasses, jewelry, pants, shirts, etc.
-I can sew anything I want during this year.
-I can accept gifts.

2. A sermon that my pastor at City Church gave about anxiety and provision.
He talked about the fact that if we aim for the Kingdom of God, we live counter-culturallyto the world.
He said the biggest threat to living Christianity today is consumerism. The idea that I must have this right now! This is a way of life that runs counter to Christianity. We underestimate the power of marketing, advertising, and consuming. Most churches minister to 30% of the culture. The other 70% is controlled by marketing. Society is being ministered to by product consumerism. It becomes about filling a void in our lives. It should be a Kingdom of God, not a kingdom of goods. There's always the Rockefeller mentality: How much is enough? 'Just a little more.' The only way to seek the Kingdom of God is to believe that he provides and that we are more treasured by God than we could ever know.
Then he mentioned 4 things Calvin says about keeping consumerism under control: Bear abundance moderately, know how to go without things patiently, be a good steward of what God's given you, and live within your means.
'Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.'

Now, I suppose comparing all this to giving up clothes for a year might sound mightily arrogant or over-thought.
But I think what it boils down to for me, is that this is something tangible that I can change in my life right now.
It is a step I can make that will hopefully carry into the way I view my life in general; that reminds me that God provides, that I can't always have what I want when I want it, nor should I; that I can be more creative with what I have, and that I need so much less than I think I do.

So, that's my extremely long, probably redundant explanation of a choice I'm making this year.

Peace for real,
Audrey